Why You Get Attached So Quickly: The Hidden Psychology of Early Infatuation and Why It Can Sabotage Your Relationships

Why do some people get intensely attached after only a few dates? Why does someone you barely know suddenly consume your thoughts, emotions, and imagination? And why does this early intensity often lead to disappointment, heartbreak, or self-sabotage?

If you’ve ever felt emotionally overwhelmed during the first stages of dating, you may have experienced a psychological state known as limerence. It feels like love, but it is not love. It feels powerful, but it can cloud judgment. It feels meaningful, but it can lead you into a relationship built on fantasy rather than reality.

Understanding limerence is essential if you want to build healthy relationships instead of repeating painful cycles. Modern neuroscience, attachment psychology, and behavioral research all shed light on why this state happens, who is most vulnerable to it, and how to avoid letting it sabotage your romantic future.

This article breaks down everything you need to know about why you get attached so quickly—and how to stop losing yourself in the early stages of dating.

What Exactly Is Limerence?

Limerence is a heightened emotional and psychological state that usually occurs in the early stages of dating. It’s too intense to be casual, but far too premature to be considered genuine romantic love.

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who first coined the term in the 1970s, described limerence as a mix of obsessive thinking, emotional dependency, uncertainty, and fantasies of reciprocation. And modern neuroscience supports her findings: early romantic attraction triggers a surge of dopamine in the brain’s reward circuits, similar to the neural patterns seen in addiction. Studies by Dr. Helen Fisher on romantic love show that new attraction activates the ventral tegmental area (VTA), creating euphoria and compulsive thinking.

This means limerence is not just “being excited about someone.” It is a full psychological phenomenon.

Symptom #1: Intense Infatuation and Obsessive Thinking

One of the defining features of limerence is how quickly your mind becomes consumed by the other person. You think about them constantly, analyzing every word, text, delay, and gesture. You want them to think about you with the same intensity, and you feel an overwhelming need for reciprocation.

This is heavily driven by uncertainty. Studies in cognitive neuroscience show that unpredictability increases dopamine release more than predictable rewards. In other words, not knowing where you stand creates a stronger emotional addiction than knowing someone loves you.

This is why limerence often feels stronger in situations where the relationship is vague or undefined.

Symptom #2: Heightened Emotional Sensitivity

Another hallmark of limerence is experiencing extreme emotional reactions to minor events. If they text you, your mood skyrockets. If they don’t, you sink into anxiety. If they follow someone new online, your heart drops. If they hint at spending time together, you feel relieved.

Your emotions become regulated by their behavior—despite barely knowing them.

This can be explained by attachment theory. Research by Dr. Mary Ainsworth and later by Dr. Sue Johnson shows that the human brain is wired to seek emotional safety. When you’re not yet attached securely, your nervous system oscillates between excitement and fear. Limerence amplifies this instability.

Symptom #3: Putting the Person on a Pedestal

When you’re in limerence, you don’t just like the person—you idealize them. You imagine a future together after a few dates. You mentally design your wedding. You picture them meeting your family. You fantasize about a shared life before you truly know their values, personality, or emotional maturity.

This idealization is driven by the brain’s tendency to fill in gaps when information is missing. Cognitive psychology research on projection shows that people often assign desirable traits to others when they are emotionally activated, especially during early attraction.

This is why limerence feels magical—it turns the unknown into a fantasy.

Symptom #4: Intrusive Thoughts and Social Media Obsession

Limerence can also produce intrusive, often negative thoughts. You might fear they are seeing someone else, wonder what they’re doing when they’re offline, or imagine worst-case scenarios. This triggers obsessive behaviors such as:

Checking when they were last online
Scrolling through their social media
Analyzing who they follow
Re-reading conversations repeatedly

These behaviors resemble the hypervigilance seen in anxious attachment. Research by Dr. Phillip Shaver and Dr. Mario Mikulincer shows that anxiously attached individuals become preoccupied when their connection feels uncertain. Limerence amplifies this tendency even in people who are normally secure.

Symptom #5: A Deep Fear of Rejection

Limerence creates disproportionate anxiety about the possibility of being ignored, rejected, or abandoned. You hesitate to call or text first because you fear they might not respond. You worry intensely if they don’t reply immediately. You interpret delays as emotional danger.

This reaction is neurological. According to brain imaging studies, social rejection activates the same pain regions of the brain as physical pain. When you’re in limerence, your brain interprets their behavior—real or imagined—as a threat.

This is why the early stages of dating feel so emotionally exhausting.

Why Limerence Can Sabotage a Potential Relationship

Limerence feels thrilling, but it can absolutely destroy your chances of building something healthy.

You ignore red flags.
You tolerate behaviors you normally wouldn’t accept.
You become overly available or emotionally intense.
You lose your standards.
You lose yourself.

Ignoring early incompatibilities or deal breakers only postpones pain. Research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships shows that relationships built during periods of high idealization often fail due to mismatched expectations and overlooked warning signs.

Enthusiasm does not eliminate incompatibility. It camouflages it.

How to Stop Limerence From Blinding You

To prevent limerence from sabotaging your relationships, you need to stay grounded, aware, and emotionally balanced. Here are the most effective strategies.

Strategy #1: Take Them Off the Pedestal

You cannot assess a person you are idealizing.

Neuroscience studies on romantic projection show that fantasy exaggerates positive traits and erases negative ones. Make a conscious effort to observe the person’s actions, patterns, values, and consistency. Avoid fantasizing about the future. Focus on who they are today, not who they could be.

Strategy #2: Look for Red Flags Early

Red flags are easiest to spot in the beginning—if you stay objective. During limerence, your brain naturally resists acknowledging anything negative. To counter this, pay attention to the following areas:

Their attachment style
Their family background
Their past relationships
Their consistency in communication
Their effort and investment
Their social media habits
Their lifestyle compatibility
Their conflict resolution style

Research in developmental psychology shows that early relationship behaviors predict long-term relational health. People who ghost, breadcrumb, or show avoidant traits early usually continue the pattern.

Strategy #3: Mirror Their Effort, Don’t Overgive

Limerence often makes you give too much too soon. You text more, plan more, invest more, and attach more than they do. This creates imbalance. A better strategy is to match their level of effort and emotional investment.

If they invest little, reduce your investment.
If they show interest, respond with interest.
If they withdraw, maintain your dignity.

This keeps your emotions regulated and prevents you from chasing someone who is not mentally or emotionally available.

Strategy #4: Stay Curious Instead of Attached

Instead of assuming this person is “the one,” adopt the mindset of exploration. Psychologists call this the assessment phase. During this phase, your goal is not to secure the relationship—it’s to gather information.

Do you genuinely like them?
Are they emotionally safe?
Are they aligned with your values?
Are they capable of healthy connection?

Shifting from fantasy to assessment is one of the quickest ways to break the emotional spell of limerence.

Limerence Can Lead to Love—But Only If You Stay Grounded

Limerence is not always a bad thing. In some cases, it is the emotional spark that precedes a healthy relationship. But only if you remain aware, intentional, and balanced. Love builds slowly through shared experiences, mutual vulnerability, emotional safety, and consistent effort.

Limerence, on the other hand, is built on imagination, uncertainty, and emotional highs.

Your job is to prevent limerence from blinding you to the truth. Stay open and excited—but grounded. Stay hopeful—but observant. Let attraction unfold naturally, without forcing a connection or ignoring reality.

If you can do that, you will stop getting attached too quickly—and start choosing partners who are genuinely good for you.

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